Question 12: To Unlearn

Published September 1, 2026

Question: What would you like to unlearn, and why?

Rachel’s Response from 2023

I imagine this answer will cause an array of responses ranging anywhere from laughter to offense, but it is my truth. After a solid week of pondering what to write on here, this is what I realized I want to unlearn: everything I’ve learned previously regarding men. I’m not talking about men as a term for general humanity. No, I am talking about men as in the male portion of the human species. 

Without outlining every minute detail of my interactions with men, let's just say I have had fairly minimal interactions with them. Yes, I have some guy friends, but none that I am truly close with. All of my close friends tend to be women, and the only understanding of men I really have is the wisdom those friends have shared with me. Oh, and of course movies. Both have given me some pieces of wisdom, and I assumed I was completely knowledgeable about the inner workings of the male mind and heart until I was truly tested. The nature of this “test”, and whether or not I passed, is besides the point. When faced with a situation where my extensive knowledge would have come in handy, I realized just how unreliable it was. 

Everyone has their opinions on the differences between men and women, or to what degree these differences exist, but I am genuinely eager to get a fresh start, a clean slate if you will, based on my knowledge of men. If only it was possible to hit the reset button on this portion of my brain without surgery or hypnotism.  

Now, I know there are way more things I could have chosen for this section, but why did I choose men? It isn’t that I think everything I have learned is wrong, but I wonder if I had a clean slate if I would have so many dumb stereotypes in my head towards them? I wonder if perhaps I would be more far, or more critical? Really, I think I would love to have a new understanding of men so that they wouldn’t confuse me so much. Perhaps if I understood them better, my heart wouldn’t get so hurt when they make mistakes. Maybe, their mistakes wouldn’t be so significant because somewhere deep down, I would remember that all people (men and women) make mistakes. With a new understanding, maybe I could learn how to trust men and not have a deep down fear that all of them will hurt me or abandon me. 

In short, I want to unlearn everything I have been taught about men for my own personal healing, and to give men the chance they deserve without any cynicism or anxiety. 

Responses from My Community

“I’d like to unlearn the self hate and insecurities I’ve picked up through my life. I’m getting there slowly, but sometimes it’s hard for me to accept love from others.” ~Nonbinary, 21.

“I would like to unlearn the positive association of having a sugary dessert. I feel like I have been conditioned toward wanting something sweet after a meal ever since I was fairly young. For instance, I was accustomed to having a package of cookies in my packed school lunch, or a dessert was offered whenever I bought school lunch. Perhaps having some ice cream or cookies after dinner. Or, after eating out at a restaurant, craving a dessert at the restaurant (after seeing how the dessert options are glamorized on the menu), or driving to a nearby place for an ice cream. Consider birthday parties, where a sweet treat like cake and ice cream are served after the meal. Now there is nothing wrong with having it after a special occasion or event. But for me, I still have dessert cravings after a meal which is frustrating and therefore something I wish I could unlearn. Currently, I have tried to break some of the cravings by having a cup of tea after dinner, fruit, decaf, coffee, sparkling water, or dark chocolate, which I think is OK to have a little. There is no surprise that sugar is addictive both by the taste and the idea of it. After all, consider the psychological effect of seeing countless advertisements on TV about popular candies, and desserts at fast food establishments. Who wouldn’t want to sink their teeth into a Reese’s peanut butter cup, for instance, after seeing the way it is portrayed on TV? Or, buy a blizzard from McDonald’s after seeing all the M&M candies in the sea of ice cream? It might’ve been last winter when Dairy Queen had just released their candy cane blizzard, which had candy cane pieces, vanilla, ice cream, and chocolate fudge chunks; it was advertised on social media. On that same day, I went to get one. As I grew older, especially around college time, my association for having a sweet treat after a meal also extended to the morning. I would stop at a coffee shop (usually Starbucks) and get a drink such as a latte, mocha, or caramel macchiato. At the time, I didn’t even look at the nutrition label to see how much sugar was in it, or even understand the impact. I felt as if this was the perfect way to start the morning, and reward myself for getting up early. I also believed it would give me just the energy I needed to focus. I didn’t think any of these drinks could be unhealthy because it was coffee, after all. It’s still very much of a challenge, avoiding the temptation to have a sweet treat. I am not sure at this point if it would be possible to give up sugar entirely, especially since it is unfortunately hidden in certain foods. But I think for me finding alternatives and distractions, and having just a very small amount of dessert will be the key.” ~ Female, 27.

“People pleasing. I was raised by a career military man who dominated our household (which he learned from his father). My mother, sister and I got the clear message that it was our duty to be compliant, never ruffle feathers, speak up, have strong opinions or create drama. We all complied with his philosophy and, unfortunately, I carried it into my adult life. I can see how this negatively affected many of my choices and, of course, this adversely impacted my self esteem. Fortunately I was able to recognize how unhealthy this was for me and my children, and made a real effort to change, although I can revisit it occasionally. Happy to report that my children have no problem expressing themselves at all 🤣.” ~ Female, 78. 

“It is the older person's job to lead the conversation. I don't know why, but even if I meet someone new, if they are older, I see it as their responsibility to introduce themselves first and lead the conversation. It's as though I feel it would be disrespectful for me to take the lead, to talk instead of listen. This can lead to awkward situations when the older person doesn't take the lead that I assume is there's.” ~ Male, 28. 

I have pondered this question and I honestly can’t think of anything I would unlearn in my life thus far. All the lessons, good or bad, right or wrong have shaped me into the perfectly imperfect person I am today. ~Female, 64

“I tend to catastrophize. Meaning I tend to go to worse case scenarios, when being faced with situations such as a sick loved one or climate change or politics. This causes a constant state of anxiety. I would like to unlearn this for better mental health.” ~ Female, 65.

“I’d like to unlearn the belief and need to have everyone like me. Throughout my life, I’ve been a bit of a people pleaser, and have feared people not liking me. This has caused me to not always show my true self, or avoid doing things or talking to people when I really wanted to. Over the years I’ve come to realize that no matter who you are, not everyone is going to like you. Even if you’re the most perfect person, being universally liked is not possible. So you may as well be yourself and attract the people who truly love you for who you are. I’ve been trying to unlearn the thought process of constantly trying to be a likable person for everyone, and it’s often difficult, but I hope I can do it one day.” ~ Female, 24. 

“I would like to unlearn certain habits in my life that have interfered with my relationship with God.” ~ Female, 21.

“Discomfort is awful. Every time you get out of your comfort zone your courage builds up.You have no option but to cope with the change.” ~ Female, 64.

“I am not sure that there is anything that I would want to unlearn. There are experiences that I wish that I did not have, but to unlearn something does not remove those experiences--it just deprives us of the knowledge that we might need if those same experiences reoccur.” ~ Male, 42.

“For a question such as this, I will go with what first comes to mind— I would like to "unlearn" the following mistruths: - In order to be considered "fit", women must have a thigh gap. - A good complexion means not having a "shiny" forehead or nose. - Loneliness can only truly be cured by a relationship with a significant other/member of the opposite sex. I would also like to "unlearn" a lot of the information I have learned over time about some of my favorite celebrities; who knows what the real "facts" are, but I regret having the images/memories of certain individuals tainted by the media, rumors, news articles, etc.” ~ Female, 29.