Question 6: On Love and Romance

Published on July 21, 2026

What advice would you give to someone about love and romance?

Rachel’s Response from 2023

Without putting myself down or making any self deprecating comments, I almost feel unqualified to answer this question. I’m not alone in feeling that way as it turns out because a few members of my community commented something similar to me once I asked the question. Here is how I responded to them and thus how I responded to myself:

 If we look at answering questions in terms of whether or not we are qualified to answer it, then perhaps none of us are truly qualified. We all make mistakes, have minimal experience or have made mistakes, yet we have all made certain observations throughout our lives on the topic of love. Perhaps it is this fact alone that makes us qualified. I’ve only had one real experience with romance, and it was minimal and brief in the scheme of things, but I learned a lot. Prior to typing out my answer, I still felt unqualified to answer the question. A conversation with a dear friend changed my mind. 

I am very lucky to have a friend who enjoys going to performances as much as I do, and we love supporting the arts throughout our town. We were walking out of our community college’s rendition of Sunday in the Park with George when she brought up this question about love. She said, “I’ve been thinking a lot about that question you asked me for your book project.” Before continuing on with this part of the conversation, she told me how she thinks I should write about my own thoughts and publish my own book. I was puzzled by this notion until she explained further:

“When I was thinking about the answer to your question about love, I thought of something you said to me after we went to the show Hundred Days. You said how love is like a leap of faith. There are no guarantees that things are going to work out, or that someone won’t die or get injured or be given an unfortunate diagnosis along the way. Challenges will come and in that sense, love is vulnerable. Yet, we still have to be brave and take our chances because it is worth it and might make our lives better.”

I was both flattered and stunned that she remembered my comment so vividly. She continued:

“This is why I think you should write a book because you have such a way of observing things and such wisdom in doing so. My personal answer to your question would have been that love is like playing the slot machines in Vegas.”

I told her that was a great answer, but she liked my answer more. Maybe sharing this story was my cheap way of answering my own question, but I have more important reasons for sharing this story. The point in sharing was not to brag about how cool my friends think I am, or to have you decide whether the advice of my 72 year old friend is better than my 25 year old advice. The truth is that age and experience are not qualifiers for giving advice or for having your own thoughts and opinions on love. When people try to qualify or justify their disqualification for discussing love, I think it involves a deeper rooted insecurity. Maybe they do not believe they are worthy of love, or are afraid their lack of experience could qualify the success of love. However, what I have observed is that everyone has had their own experiences with love and romantic relationships, and love does not seem to differentiate between people’s life stories. For everyone, love and romance is a leap of faith, and we should continue to pursue it even if we are afraid to. If it doesn’t work out, we move forward and eventually take that leap again, and the rest will figure itself out. 

Responses from My Community

“Don't rely on your partner to complete you, always good communication is key, because love requires trust.” ~ Female, 63. 

“Sadly, almost all of my romantic relationships were focused on physical attraction (lust) and (in hindsight) not love. These relationships stagnated quickly after the ‘novelty’ wore off. I did manage to stay married for fourteen years but became dissatisfied after we hit the ten-year mark. My husband and I did not grow together nor did we have much in common (other than our children). I believe I ‘bought into’ the unrealistic portrayals of love and romance by the media. I now know I would want the base of our love to begin with a strong friendship, similar goals and a real appreciation (respect) for each other. Ideally the friendship would blossom into a genuine love over time.” ~ Female, 78

“Hold your body sacred, and real love will not pressure you.” ~ Female, 45. 

“Oh man! Love and romance has been high-jacked by fantasy and unrealistic happily-ever-after stories. I love a good romance movie and happy endings, but also have been married long enough to know when two people fall in love, they can also fall out of love. I’ve been married for 20 years and I have learned true love is selfless. The true meaning of love has been robbed if we don’t understand this. With that being said, when you do find that special someone who captures your initial interest and sweeps you off your feet, you will also discover things that will create challenges in the relationship: fears, tramas, hurts, bad habits, etc. So in love and romance there is a lot of sacrifice. When hard times come you both decide if your “love is patient love it kind. It is not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). The flame of love and romance will have its ups and downs, because life has a way of challenging us. It does not matter who the person is! I don’t believe in soulmates 🙃 I believe there are two people who choose to commit to the vows they took. But to keep the love and romance going, it takes two people putting each other first. ❤️‍🔥” ~ Female, 40. 

“The most valuable wisdom I have learned in the area of love and romance, especially when in the ‘dating’ or ‘searching’ phase, is that people will never meet all your expectations. The person you may be interested in will not match every idea or often even the basic idea of what you might have imagined. Don’t write them off. There may be moments of uncertainty or ‘not knowing’ while you figure out how to be together. My advice, keep seeking connection, until it’s very clear they aren’t right or clear they are. Don’t write someone off just because you ‘aren’t sure’ or they don’t fit your original idea of the person you want to end up with. Often you may be pleasantly surprised.” ~ Female, 26.

“Don't expect it to be like it is in the movies, so glamorized and seemingly ‘perfect’ at times, the idea of having one ‘soulmate’. You don't need to have a romantic partner and get married in order to have a fulfilled life - being single is perfectly fine. You don't have to do what ‘everyone else is doing’. Do not sacrifice your own values for someone else and what they want in life. Don't be pressured into doing things you don't wish to do. Do not lie to each other. Be authentic and yourself - don't try to act like something you're not.  Find many moments of joy and laughter.” ~Female, 27. 

“It isn’t sunshine and roses all the time. Sometimes the best you can do is to dislike the person a little bit less than you dislike dating.” ~ Female, 42. 

“In regard to love and romance, all it takes is to be patient. As soon as you stop looking, they come into your life. And if you already have the one you love, continue to practice patience. Also, make sure to not put yourself second. It takes two happy people to make a happy and beautiful relationship. Never give up hope.” ~ Female, 21.

“We are all created for love and to be in relationship with one another. Often people place an undue emphasis on romantic love and I do not think this is a great thing, A person's worth is not defined by if they have a certain type of relationship with another person. It is a shame when married people are somehow viewed as more complete than single people. At the same time, I believe many people have a desire to be in a romantic relationship. If you find yourself in a romantic relationship, great! If you are single, that is also great! Romantic relationship cannot be rushed so if you are single but want to be in a romantic relationship, the best thing you can do it be the best version of yourself you can be. This way, when someone comes into your life, you will attract someone with the qualities you value.” ~Male, 26.

“Proceed slowly with eyes wide open.” ~ Female, 60

“There’s a lot I could say on this topic. But I think above all it’s important to learn to love yourself first. When you love yourself, you know what you deserve, and no matter what happens in romance, your self value will always be there. It’s hard to do; but, love, appreciate, and take care of yourself. Then find someone who also loves and takes care of themself as well.” ~ Female, 24.

“Not everyone you date has to be ‘the one’. Sometimes it’s good to date just to learn more about yourself and about what you need from a partner. Don’t put too much pressure on it.” ~ Nonbinary, 21.

“Make friendship a bigger priority than physical intimacy. If your hormones lead the decision making, well…that doesn’t work out so well!” ~ Female, 50’s. 

“I would say to just love unconditionally. If a relationship happens to end, remember that love was once there and cherish those good memories. Hate and resentment get you nowhere.” ~ Female, 19. 

“Most important, above all else, be kind with the feelings of others and be willing to put their needs above your own. Be intentional.” ~ Male, 42.

“Good communication and never go to bed angry.” ~ Female, 65. 

“Take every piece of advice about love and romance with a grain of salt.” ~ Male, 23. 

“Love is precious and should be treasured. Romance often leads to love but can be displayed in different ways. Perhaps a candlelight dinner when the relationship is new. Maybe doing the dishes for your partner, or rocking the baby to sleep when your partner is exhausted. Romancing doesn’t have to cost anything, but can mean everything.” ~ Female, 64. 

“I think the most important thing to remember is that every person’s love life and romantic life is going to be different and to not compare your own story to someone else’s or what you see in the movies or in books. I would also add that people should learn the difference between love and lust and ask themselves what they really want. And lastly- when you know, you know (listen to Lana Del Rey’s “Margaret” ) listen to your gut- if it feels right then it probably is and if it doesn’t then it’s probably not.” ~ Female, 26. 

“Keep your eyes wide open, don't give in to infatuation because it won't last. Don't end it if you aren't infatuated, sometimes it takes time. Don't be afraid to start or continue to date someone because you are unsure. Being unsure if it's right, is not a good reason to end it. Being sure that it is wrong, is the good reason. Be sure that the person is a giver, not a taker.” ~ Male, 28. 

“As a self-proclaimed romantic, this is one of my favorite topics to talk about. There’s so much this question could cover though, especially as the learnings change through different stages of life or relationships, so I’ll keep it to a top 5: 

1) Don’t be afraid to break the rules. Everyone has advice on this topic (including myself) that doesn’t mean it will always be correct or apply to everyone’s situations. My favorite rule to break is to wait for guys to make the first move. I’ve had a handful of happy, meaningful romantic relationships; all started with me (a woman) asking the guy out. If you know what you want, why waste time? People who are introverted or scared of rejection are familiar, and it doesn’t mean they love less throughout the relationship; they might just need a nudge at the beginning. Other rules I recommend breaking are not going to bed angry (sleep can be a HUGE emotional refresher) and waiting a certain time before taking actions. If you want to take a physical or emotional step in your relationship, and your gut agrees, then who cares what others think? Listen to your gut and know when someone’s advice doesn’t match your internal compass. 

2) Your #1 relationship should always be with yourself. Some people meet their lifelong partners early in life, some later. Either way, it’s crucial to continue building your self-awareness, self-love and needs throughout. As the great Esther Perel says, 'Instead of looking to the other to meet your needs, if you want to reignite your love life, you must take on the responsibility of your own desire.’ 

3) Know you can change your mind at ANY time. We put so much pressure on ourselves to live up to other people’s expectations or our self-identified labels. I have known many people who stay in unhealthy relationships because they don’t want the judgment/fear that comes with ending a relationship. Or who don’t explore their sexuality/desires because it doesn’t fit with the narrative they’ve built of their life. Life is short. Opinions fade over time, and you can’t build your happiness on expectations. 

4) Love is friendship caught fire. This one applies both in the early and late stages of a relationship. The happiest couples I know are built on mutual respect, values, communication, and the right mix of fun. Treat everything as a trial run for friendship at the beginning of a relationship. Dates can be awkward! Try to reposition them as going out and having a good time with a friend. If there’s a spark that will catch fire, your gut will know. In an established relationship, when things get rocky, go back to friendship. 

5) A classic – If you want a relationship to last, be prepared to work hard. People always say this, but it’s easier to visualize if you picture a committed relationship like owning a home. Maybe it’s a new home without old pipes or a rocky foundation, but even the best homes will need upkeep and repairs over time. And the manual labor you apply to a house is the mental labor you need to apply to a relationship. There are some fixes you might intuitively know how to do yourself, but most of the time, you need trusted experts, family members, and friends to guide you. And once you’ve got the instructions, it still takes time to do the work. If you ignore the water damage, it eventually becomes unrepairable, so be proactive. Do annual maintenance and get advice from experts (like Esther Perel) to make the relationship feel like home.” ~ Anonymous