Question 8: On Failing
Published August 4, 2026
Question: What would you say to someone who feels like they have failed or are a failure?
Rachel’s Response from 2023
If I encounter someone who feels like they have failed, or are a failure, I like to share my story with them about a time when I felt the same way.
When I first transferred to my university from my community college, I was a music education major. This was during the isolated days of the covid pandemic and a variety of factors led to one of the hardest things I have ever faced. Online learning, a full class schedule (8 classes that should have all been like 5 credits were actually 1-3 credits), and a lack of certain musical abilities (like playing piano with my left hand) led me to failing a my sophomore music jury. A music jury is an important performance you give that is a test to see whether or not you should continue your music education studies. More than a year of my life (and tuition) was dedicated to transforming me into a music teacher, and now…I literally failed. Upon reflection, I tried hard, but I could have tried harder. Maybe I would have passed that way, but ultimately, this failure forced me to look deep into myself and I had to face the truth.
Prior to this failing, I had already begun questioning whether or not teaching music, nevertheless continuing this program, was what I really wanted. Without going too far into detail, there were certain things that I did not like and kind of made me feel like I was making compromises against myself. In short, like I was trying to force myself into a box I would never fit in. I was miserable in these classes, constantly stressed, cranky, and all too perfectionist. A music teacher was simply not who I was. Once during a voice lesson, my teacher told me that I needed to change the way I talk in order to improve my singing voice. That crossed the line. Forgive my french, but after I hung up from that zoom call, I yelled “fuck you” and started sobbing. At that moment, I realized I would never be good enough for this because of quite literally who I am. I have too many stories similar to this from my time in that program, and so before I read the official confirmation that I had failed, I felt in my spirit like it was ultimately going to happen. And it did. And…maybe I wanted it to.
I was in a history class that captivated my interest and sparked my passion. Maybe I should be a history major. I made that change, added on a political science major, became a music minor in order to not waste my year of efforts, and the rest is history…quite literally.
So maybe I ever so secretly wanted this failure, and this failure was a blessing in disguise (maybe not disguised), but it was still a failure and I felt it to my core. That summer, I would look in the mirror and all I could see was a failure. I felt unqualified, stupid, and just plain awful about myself. I cried even when looking in the mirror, which made putting on mascara really hard!
There was no way of escaping it, I had to face it and feel it. Like all struggles, it passed. I gained back my self confidence in my new majors, my personality came back along with my joy, and I was able to come back to who I was and stop crying about it, but enjoy it. That's what I would say to the supposed failure. Learn from the process, heal in healthy ways, remember who you are and that you do matter, and enjoy life! Failure can be a blessing, embrace it.
Responses from My Community
“Failure means you’re learning, and learning is always a wonderful thing. Or I’d tell them that their failure doesn’t define them and that they’re still enough.”~ Nonbinary, 21.
“As someone who has felt this way before but who has also come to realize her own strength- I would tell someone struggling with this that 1) they are not a failure and 2) no one can ever truly be a failure anyway. It’s all about perspective and realizing that your life and your goals don’t correlate with someone else’s and there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing is a failure, it's all learning experiences. Keep your head up and don’t worry what others think or say- their path to success doesn’t define yours.” ~ Female, 26.
“I actually had a conversation like this with an acquaintance last week. She has suddenly found herself estranged from both of her adult children. Because I have found myself in that situation (many years ago), I was able to impart some of the lessons I learned from my experience. One very firm rule I have with my children is that they do not speak ill of each other to me, and the same rule applies to me. I do not speak negatively about my children to each other. Trust is a precious thing and can truly heal.”~ Female, 78.
“That we aren’t perfect, we are human. We are all of spirit, and nothing of spirit is a failure.”~ Female, 65.
“I would say, ‘You’re in good company.’ My best friend would say, ‘The only interesting people are failures.’ And my therapist would say, ‘Failure is how we grow.’ Often what prevents us from being happy or moving on to better things is that we will be perceived as failures. So we either stay in relationships, jobs, and life patterns that aren’t working, or we never pursue them so we don’t risk ‘failing’” Staying in a situation when failure would be more beneficial even has an economic term, the Sunk Cost fallacy. Humans are reluctant to abandon something they’ve put energy into because they can’t accept failure, even when failure is the right choice. Of course, sometimes we fail, and it’s not good for us. We do things like break sobrieties or hurt someone we care about. Either way, if someone is in the position of having recently failed, I would remind them that they are not their failures. They are the lessons learned and the choices made each day, and every day is a new day. And if someone suffers from a fear of failure, as I once did, I (and my therapist) would tell them to practice. Seriously. Perform a micro-failure every so often to better your flexibility and adaptability. Do you have a streak going on an app or a daily habit? Break it. Then go back to it. Feel that failure and know it’s not real because you can always return to the patterns you deem important. Make a mistake on purpose. Sing that karaoke song you know you’ll suck at. Eventually, you’ll be ready to embrace the big jumps even when they could end in a crash landing.” ~ Anonymous.
“We learn by trying things. Sometimes they don’t work out the way we want. You are not a failure. This is a learning and growth time. What is your take away from this time?” ~ Female, 60.
“If someone feels that they failed at something, at least they tried it (whatever it may be) in the first place. Perhaps it was a job or even a relationship. Maybe don’t think of it as “failing” but as an experience or a life lesson. I think that failure is a pretty strong word and it’s hard to define. It’s not a failure if someone pursued something with an open mind and heart and tried their best.”~ Female, 27.
“I would say that I am sorry they are feeling sad and ask them to elaborate on why they feel that way, giving them an opportunity to examine for themselves the root cause of their performance insecurity.” ~Female, 60.
“It depends on the nature of the situation. Generally, I would make the case that there is a great deal to learn through failure. We learn about ourselves and we get closer to where we want to go by understanding what didn't work and why.” ~ Male, 42.
“We live in a world where if we don’t achieve success and do all the things we dream of doing, somehow we are failures. I think a lot of times we feel like failures because we are trying to keep up with the Joneses. The reality is that not everyone is born on a silver spoon in their hand, as they say. I have had many failures in life, and a lot of the times I was more concerned with perception and what people were going to think. One of things I had to change was my mindset on life, if I was considering others before myself I was already doing life wrong. If I was allowing my successes and achievements to be the measure of happiness, I was already failing and not even knowing it. Eventually something would be a failure, it can’t all be perfect. My perception of life had to be I’m happy to be alive, I have life and what am I going to do with the do have- be sad and feel like a failure? Absolutely not, I have many other options, and staying away from comparison has to be the first thing I do. Also consider that there are many unhappy successful people, success does not equal happiness. Sure a good situation brings temporary happiness, but it’s not the true joy we need to live a fulfilled life. I believe the approach we take on life changes our perception of failures.” ~ Female, 40.
“I would say we are humans, we are not perfect.When we fail or feel like a failure, we can get up and try again.” ~ Female, 63.
“Failure is a part of growth, we can’t improve ourselves if we never fail. Everyone makes mistakes, but that doesn’t make us a mistake. Learn from your mistakes, and one day you can look back and feel proud of how far you’ve come.” ~ Female, 24.
“Our culture pressures people to have a giant story arc that is meaningful and impacts many other people. But it is absolutely enough to just wander around, finding interesting things to do until you die…. And being a curious person, usually inspires other people and provides them with good company.” ~ Female, 42.
We all fail, what matters is what you do afterwards. I like to think of life as a continual process of gathering new information and often I learn more from my failures than the times I do everything correct the first time. Your life is worth so much more than the worst decision that you have made. When you make a bad decision, even if it is really bad, learn from it so you can make a decision that better aligns with your values next time. ~Male 26
“We can get stuck in the mindset that because our efforts have failed, we are a failure. Maybe try a new approach, or something completely different. Don’t listen to others, and believe in yourself, because the most soaring triumphs come from simply starting over.” ~ Female, 64.
“In hind-sight when you look back at this season, you will realize you learned so much from what you see now as a failure. Sometimes tasting the bitter, makes the sweet even sweeter!” ~ Female, 52.
“I would tell them: You are not the sum of your failures! We are wholly defined neither by our failures, nor our victories. It's more about how we choose to MOVE FORWARD. We are human beings living in a messy, messy world. Each day we make mistakes, we learn, we grow, we try again the next day. And sometimes we make the same mistakes again... and again, and again. This is why I am so thankful for a God who forgives. Who loves us in spite of our stupid decisions, our sinful natures, and all of our shortcomings.” ~Female, 29.