Question 3: Advice for Finding Who You Are
Originally published on July 1, 2026
What advice would you offer to someone who is still figuring out who they are or what they want to do with their life?
Rachel’s Response from 2023
I think the idea of knowing who we are is something that has always been made to be more complicated than it should be. We overthink, we perhaps over question, and in doing so, add our own murkiness to something that should be straightforward.
To anyone who is in this stage of questioning who they are, I encourage you to grab a pen and paper and start listing all the things you like, firmly believe, and want. Don’t finish the list all at once, but think about it for a while, or go on a drive and let things marinade. Once that list is completed, you too might realize that we cannot stereotype ourselves or fit ourselves into a box, and that gives us freedom.
People tend to stereotype themselves so that they fit into a category, one where they could find a community. Community can be found anywhere and you can be in multiple communities, and the only thing that limits you is the limitations you put on yourself. Same goes with identity. You don’t need to fit into a neat little box. I encourage you not to even try to fit into a box because you will eventually grow out of it, and need to find a whole other box. Why waste the time or energy fitting yourself in a box when you can use that time embracing all the little things that make you who you are? Trust me, it is much more fun! Oh and here is the best part, identity can always be under development if you let it be. Thus giving you more freedom to explore.
That brings me to my next point about knowing what you want to do. Explore. Let yourself try out a couple things. Maybe that looks like reading a couple books to learn more, trying temp or entry level positions, volunteering, or even taking a class. What I think finding what you want to do involves the most is having an open mind.
When I started college, I was going to be a music education major. I graduated with a double major in history and political science with a minor in music. Granted, I know my education was expensive and I am beyond grateful for everyone who funded my opportunities to explore in an academic environment, but for me it was that exploration that helped me learn what I might want to do. At least it further developed my interests. School did that for me, but this world is full of great opportunities: find the one that is best for you.
One last thing: we are always told when we are young that we need to know what we want to do with our lives. That is a really big commitment AND it is also an unrealistic one. Not that it can’t happen, it totally can and has for many people, but people DO change careers. People DO change their minds, and that is a beautiful part of life. Embrace it.
If it helps, you can always make a list of what you want for your life. Do you want to prioritize family/friends/partners, or do you want to be career focused? These might help you navigate finding what you want to do to “pay the bills.'' Making the wrong choice in this matter is impossible when you are making it for yourself. Knowing yourself comes from trusting your gut feeling, intuition, daydreams, and desires. Pay attention to all of them and things will become clearer for you.
At the end of the day, remember it is your life and it is yours to live. People may have their ideas on what they think is best for us, but they aren’t us. We have the power to make our own decisions, and when we give it to someone else, we surrender one of our most valuable gifts in life: free will. If it all feels daunting, as it does at times, just focus on one day, one moment, one decision at a time and I promise the rest will work itself out.
Community Responses
“I think we’re always figuring out who we are and what we want to do with our lives. That’s the human experience- but I think the three main pieces of advice I’d share especially for younger folks is 1) success is not always a linear path- often it’s anything but. 2) success does not look the same for everyone and that’s perfectly normal. 3) it’s never too late to try something or chase your dreams- don’t let anyone (even yourself) tell you this. Lastly, as an avid watcher of K-dramas there’s one that reminds me of this question called “Because This Is My First Life” . It's about a young woman trying to navigate love/ relationships/ work/etc. The title represents the concept of doing your best to navigate life because you’ve never lived it before. We’re all doing the best we can with what we got.” ~ Female, 26.
“Like many folks, I was a late bloomer. I really didn't plan or educate myself for any particular vocation, however, I was blessed by having a 35-year administrative career. My purpose was only to have steady employment to support myself and two children. It wasn't until I retired (15 years ago) that I even pondered who I was (other than a daughter, wife, mother, grandmother). My relationship with the Holy Spirit put it in perspective. My advice would be - pray about it and read your Bible every day. It will jump off of the pages at you!” ~ Female, 78.
“If a door closes, open it again if you want to. That’s how doors work. Choices are rarely permanent. And hardly any of them are as high stakes as you think they are.” ~ Female, 42.
“Believe in yourself, don’t take yourself for granted. Allow yourself time, with no guilt attached.” ~ Female
“As someone who is in this position right now, having just graduated high school, I don't have a perfect answer to this. All I can give is what I've done so far, and I think it's worked pretty well. Be yourself, unabashedly. Try new things. Be fluid, flexible, kind. Listen to others' advice, but don't compromise yourself for ANYONE else. Don't shy away from the things you're drawn to. Be strong even when you feel weak, and be vulnerable even when it feels impossible. Nothing is permanent in this life. You are allowed to try identities on, and discard them if they don't fit. You may pick them back up later, but if not, hang them up on the rack for someone else to find. Be queer, be weird, have strange interests, be the cryptid in the woods you always longed to see. If that doesn't work, try something else! You can always come back later. The most important thing is to be compassionate to others. Be trustworthy, a shoulder to cry on or an accomplice to vandalism. (They'll never catch you if you egg your own house too). Everyone's going through something, so just be kind. And when you need that shoulder or egg carton, all the people you've helped will be there ready and waiting.” ~ Genderfluid, 18.
“Get to know God and what your passions are. Together, that shows your calling.” ~ Anonymous
“This is something I am still figuring out for myself. Yet, I continue to get a better idea each day. For myself, I would say it is beneficial to spend time looking through photos of yourself and family through the years, reflecting on nostalgic moments and memories. Writing in a journal helps, too, to capture your interests and feelings. One thing that is important is to follow your OWN path - not base it on any norm of what others are doing, even if those particular paths are very common. You must stay true to yourself! Be careful making big decisions and make sure it is truly what you want. For instance, I have never had an interest in wanting to have children one day. Today this is more accepted, yet I still think it is largely out of the norm of getting married and having children. Once you reach a certain point in your life (my age, for instance), you might start to feel the social pressure creeping in a bit, based on seeing updates from classmates and friends. Seeing new wedding and/or baby photos. There is certainly nothing wrong with this path, but keep in mind that if your path strays away from the norm, embrace it!” ~ Female, 27.
“My initial guidance would be to start with self-compassion. It’s easy to feel like the world has their path figured out and to blame yourself for not committing to a specific direction or completing things by a certain age. But as most people I know will admit, “who they are” and “what they want to do in life” is constantly evolving. A few lucky people see and chase their passions clearly, but it’s much more common to struggle with the roadmap. Self-compassion allows more doors to open. We spend so much time concerned with what other people think of our decisions and are afraid to fail that we don’t try new things. Once we realize that the only way to figure out what we want in life is to start living it on our own terms, then a world of possibilities opens up. From there, it’s all about finding the right balance. Life isn’t just about a job, your goals, or what’s achieved. All those are important, but so are relationships, hobbies, being present, and the little moments that bring you joy each day. No one wakes up with an epiphany of how to achieve all this, which is why it’s important to keep trying new things! Volunteer, job shadow, meet new people, and ask them about their world. Take note of everything you enjoy, but equally important – everything you don’t – and move forward with what feels right. And if, in the future, things that once felt right don’t any longer, don’t be afraid to change up the course. The most important thing is just to start and enjoy the ride as much as possible.” ~ Anonymous
“In all honesty, trust the process. Whether you believe in God or in fate alone, put your trust into the fact that you are strong, capable, and that everything will be ok. Those little stresses about how your life should go, only really set you back. Focus more on how to better yourself, than on fulfilling the steps towards your predicted life, and just trust. Of course we still need to make our own decisions, but do not fear putting your faith towards anything that will ease you into your true fateful path. And if anyone gets in your way, step around them and carry on to the life that you want to live. We only have one chance, so put yourself first and trust the process!” ~ Female, 21.
“Be still. Listen to yourself. Trust yourself. Know the difference between what you are told you SHOULD do and what feels good/right for you.” ~ Female, 60.
“I would suggest trying to avoid feeling like you have to have it all figured out. The pressure folks place on themselves often prevents them from exploring and living in ambiguity.” ~ Male, 42.
“Just go for it. A lot of times I felt like I had to have everything figured out before I could begin a new journey or process. Life doesn’t work like that. A lot of times, the “figuring out” happens along the way and that’s ok! This also opens a space for you to discover new things you may not have considered. If it is a big unknown or something that brings a lot of questions or fear, the courage will only come once you actually start walking toward it. So just go for it.” ~ Female, 26.
“If you wait for the right time to do something, you'll never do it. We often sit around and wait for the perfect time to do something. But that perfect time will most likely never come. Most times it's better to jump in. This doesn't mean you should be careless and rush. Take your time to think about it but once you've decided to do something, do it.” ~Male, 28.
“My advice would be to embrace change. Change is a scary, but often necessary first step to self discovery. Make new friends, try new things, see new places. And don’t be afraid if who you want to be today is not who you want to be tomorrow.” ~ Female, 24.
“I would say, slow down and enjoy the journey. Enjoy your personal journey, without comparing yourself to others. A lot of times our rush to have things figured out is because we compare ourselves. The ‘wins’ or accomplishments of life, are short lived. Before we know it we want more and aren’t satisfied with achieving the achieved goal. Living is a journey.” ~ Female, 40.
“The only advice I can give on this topic are things that I've been told myself. I'm still trying to figure out who I am or what I want to do with my life so I can't give my own advice. I've been told to work hard, learn from everyone and be a good person and eventually I'll get to where I want. One tip I can give about these things I've even told is to work where you enjoy working or you'll be miserable working just for the paycheck.” ~ Male, 27.
“Just roll with it. I am still personally finding myself and dealing with the harsh reality of becoming an adult, it’s not easy for anyone but it will be okay.” ~ Female, 19.
“It's okay to not know who you are or what you want to do with your life. You are a constantly evolving person who is always learning, growing, and discovering new things about yourself. You can change your mind a million times and still end up somewhere different. Things happen. Plans change. People change. You may never have the answers, but that doesn't mean you can't make the most of whoever you may be at this moment.” ~ Female, 25.
“Take your time, there is no hurry. Try many different things, and prayerfully consider each of them. Be guided by the passion in your heart, not by what others are saying.” ~ Female, 63.
“Talk to God — He has the perfect answers!” ~ Female, 52.
“I am reminded of the church's articulation of discernment in figuring out one's vocation. The process of discernment is not simply an individual deciding what they want to do. Rather discernment involves an entire community drawing out the gifts and talents of an individual and bringing them to the surface. This principle of discernment has come up time after time in my life. I often come up with a revelation of something I want to do in my life and then when I talk to a trusted confidant, get a response along the lines of "I can see that's just you." ~Male, 26
“I would say, slow down and enjoy the journey. Enjoy your personal journey, without comparing yourself to others. At lot of times our rush to have things figured out is because we compare ourselves. The “wins” or accomplishments of life, are short lived. Before we know it we want more and aren’t satisfied with achieving the achieved goal. Living is in the journey.” ~ Female, 40.
“Try everything! Join clubs, go to events, try new hobbies. You’ll find your passion. It’s okay to take your time and not follow society’s timeline.” ~ Nonbinary, 21.
“Trust your gut. When you see red flags in life, trust yourself and honor yourself. Don't get too busy with all the busyness in life and ignore family. Don’t skip the dentist and start your retirement right away.” ~ Female, 45.